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Archive for Sexual Harrassment

That Time When I Had a Turbulent Love Affair with Cicada

Monday, June 26th, 2006

I was looking through some old documents and came across a treasure from my Independent Study days—a series of e-mails between me and Cicada, documenting our turbulent love affair (her words, not mine). I don’t know how we got any work done with so much talking and goofing off (I have another e-mail chain of limericks), but I guess we managed somehow. Anyway, this is just too good not to share, so here goes:

Subject: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:09AM

But don’t tell anyone I told you.

[There appears to be an e-mail missing here]

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:11AM

Don’t worry — your secret’s safe with me if my secret’s safe with you.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:12AM

My lips are sealed.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:13AM

Oh, but my dear . . . that’s contrary to the objective!

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:14AM

It’s a figure of speech. You know what I mean.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:15AM

What do you mean, Squirrel Boy!? Pray, open those lips a little more and speak!

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:15AM

What do you want me to say?

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:17AM

Oh, does it matter? As long as you’re talking, sweet lips, I’ll be forever satisfied.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:18AM

This is getting out of control. I’m feeling uncomfortable, like I’m just a piece of meat to you.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:20AM

Squirrel Boy, sweet Squirrel Boy. I respect you as a person. If you really were just a piece of meat to me, I would be babbling on about your lucious legs, your strong, masculine jaw, your large, capable hands, your short, tempting hair . . . no, Squirrel Boy. When a girl wants, begs, NEEDS you to just talk to her . . . it is not meat she’s after.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:21AM

Whoa.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:22AM

That was anticlimactical . . . are you SURE you’re an English major?

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:23AM

Sometimes brevity is the essence of good communication.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:24AM

yep.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:27AM

It’s not that I’m unappreciative of the compliments (as varied and racy as they were). I was merely overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection. I thought our love affair was secret, Cicada. I’m beginning to suspect that Kristina might have suspicions, though. I don’t want anyone to be jealous, because you know they would all be blinded with jealous rage if they ever discovered our turbulent love affair.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:30AM

Turbulent love affair . . . you have no idea what these words do to me, Squirrel Boy (scary, since they are my own). First of all, how can I continue to keep these feelings silent from you any longer!? Know you not how I have struggled to remain calm in your very presence? If you want a secret love affair, then fine, but as for ME, I am PROUD of my feelings for you and seek not to hide them from ANYone! Let Christina deal with her jealousy. I can take her on ANYday. She’s so tiny she’s not legally allowed to donate blood! I can donate 2 gallons in one sitting! (As long as I’m sitting in the same place for a year . . .)

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada
Time: 10:33AM

I think you’re a little too clingy, Cicada. I need my space. I need time to think al lof this over. I think we should stop seeing each
other.

Subject: IT WAS ALL A LIE ANYWAY!!
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy
Time: 10:37AM

Oh, don’t you think for a moment that I was ever REALLY in love with you, The Amazing Squirrel Boy! Clingy!? I was the best girlfriend you ever had. Go ahead and take ETERNITY to think it all over, because you’ll never get me back! I’M leaving YOU!! Consider yourself DUMPED because I was planning, in my next email, to DUMP YOU except that I would have said it more FORCEFULLY than that petty, inconsiderate, thoughtless, meaningless and CLICHE “I think we should stop seeing each other.” KINDLY consider yourSELF to be OFFICIALLY “without girlfriend!”

P.S., Christina says you have cute pants and she’s willing to hook it up if you like.

Posted by Jonathon at 9:34 pm | 14 Comments »