Several days ago, I was telling one of my kids that I used to get calls from time to time from people looking for someone named Steve, and they often seemed to have a hard time believing that I wasn’t him. One time his sister even called, and when I said she had the wrong number, she said, “Ha ha, very funny, Steve.” I guess I have a similar number and a similar voice to this mysterious Steve. But I haven’t gotten a call for him in years, probably because most people are just dialing from their saved contacts and not entering numbers manually anymore.

Well, telling my kid about it must have triggered something, because I got a call Sunday night that went like this:

Me: Hello?

Her: Have you had a recent vasectomy?

This is, needless to say, a pretty wild way to start a conversation, and I had no idea why someone would call and ask that without so much as a “Hello.” Someone from my doctor’s office? But why would they call on a Sunday night?

Me: I’m sorry, who is this?

Her: Don’t play cute with me.

Okay, so clearly not the doctor’s office. I’m not sure why I didn’t just hang up at this point.

Me: Who is this??

[pause]

Her: Hello?

Me, growing more exasperated: Hello?

Her: Who is this?

Me: You called me!

Her: Is this not Steve [last name]?

Me: No!

Her, mumbling: Oh, sorry.

[she hangs up]

Steve, please, I’m begging you: stop giving people my number! Also, if women are calling you on a Sunday night to angrily ask whether you’ve had a vasectomy, you probably need to get your shit together.